Stop the Insanity!

With apologies to Susan Powter (like anybody still remembers her), this is what I am attempting to do today. I went in for treatment number 8 but with the intention of ending it all right now. My logic?

• I have been told over and over again in this process that the final decisions are mine. Therefore it I want to stop, that's my right, whether the doctors agree or not.



• At the very beginning of this process, Dr. Y gave me the option (since Dr. Ondrula had removed all of the cancerous cells in my thigh when he did the biopsy on me) of NOT having chemo treatment at this time. He highly recommended against it, but he did give me that option. I had been gearing up for chemo for a month, and so based upon my first experience, which was unpleasant but reasonably bearable, I said let's do it.



• Though I've been told by several doctors that the prescribed treatment with my current chemo cocktail is 12 bi-weekly treatments, that was also the prescribed treatment during my first go-round with oxiliplaten but due to circumstances (I had just had 4 months of treatment with other drugs), Dr. Y arbitrarily reduced my treatment down to 6 from 12. If he could change the prescription once, why not again?



• My last CEA blood cancer tumor marker score was 1.8, a very acceptable number (it was 35 just before I had my PET scan and ultimate biopsy surgery). To me that indicated that the cancer was now completely out of me. So at this point, why pump more poisons into me when the cancer is gone?



• From a personal level, I greatly underestimated (because I didn't know) the effects of this round of chemo compared to my first round. The thought of giving up another summer for this treatment (which leaves me with not much quality of life) just seemed a little more than I could bear. I'll be 59 in a couple of weeks and I certainly have no guarantee on how many more healthy summers (or years) I'll have. I just hated the thought of giving my summer up when I didn't think it was necessary.

So I took my thoughts to the doctor this morning. We shared them first with JoLynn, our nurse practitioner. Because of the seriousness of what I wanted to do, she called in Dr. Y and we talked. He emphasized that the 12 week period wasn't arbitrarily chosen but has been selected based upon years of study as being a required amount of cycles that should be administered. He also was concerned that the CEA test could possibly miss small microscopic cancer cells which additional chemo could still kill. While he admits that there is no guarantee that cancer will not return, he just indicated that the chances of it returning are less if I go for 12 cycles rather than stopping at 7 (they have no studies of results after only 7 treatments). He also indicated that I could receive a 20% lower dosage of each drug, which should hopefully make my dealing with all of this a little easier.

So I thought about everything, talked it over with Cyndy, and we decided to go with the 20% lower dosage today, see how things go over the next two weeks before the next scheduled treatment, and make an on-going decision then. My point in this was never to simply stop treatments because I'm tired of them (which I am but if they helped reduce my chance of contracting cancer again, I'd do it). I know I could handle this to the prescribed end. My only point was "Why?" if the blood test indicated no cancer in me. Any decision here is simply based upon how much risk do I want to take and at what cost. Dr. Y was concerned that there could still be something undetected within me that he firmly believes further chemo would kill. Of course there's a chance I'm right and there's nothing in there and I could be having multiple poisons injected into me for the next two months for no worthwhile reason. Then it comes down to what risk am I willing to take.

So right now we're playing it safe. I have completed my 8th treatment so we'll see how I feel, especially in the next few days, which have always been the worst for me. I must admit that I am probably reluctantly leaning towards continuing this to the bitter end, especially if my reactions even slightly improve due to the reduced dosage. That increases the "on hold" portion of my life that I am currently on, but if I'm honest with myself, it is only a few extra weeks and if Dr. Y is right and my chances of recurrence are more reduced (if not guaranteed) by completing the 12 cycles, then maybe it will be worth it. It's all about risk. I've seen people make risky decision regarding their cancer health (e.g., Farrah Fawcett) and it often doesn't turn out well. Any choice I make has risks, but I think I may be preparing for the one that offers the least amount, despite the temporary price I have to pay.

Thanks to all for your thoughts. Continue to think of me in your prayers. Believe me, they are not going unheeded. Despite what I am going through, I know I continue to be very fortunate.