Rectal Cancer Is A Big Pain In The Butt!

This past Memorial Day weekend I spent the entire three days either (1) in bed, (2) on the sofa in the family room, or (3) on the toilet. I just kept thinking, "This is no way to live." Although I wasn’t keeping track, the bathroom visits must have exceeded 20 per day. This resulted in a pretty sore butt! In addition, I cannot seem to sleep more than 1-2 hours at any time during a 24 hour day. It’s hard for me to blame this on my sleep apnea, as I could still sleep up to 6 hours at a time just a few months ago. Perhaps it’s just my body’s way of waking me during the night to go to the bathroom. It’s never critical, but I always have to go.

Added to this was the fact that I felt very useless over the weekend, as Cyndy spent two sunny days outside in the garden. All I could do was provide ice water for her. Of course I know that I would have been useless in trying to help because I would have been exhausted in minutes during the digging, weeding, raking, etc. It's tiring for me just to get ready in the morning. Plus as sunny as it was, I’m supposed to stay out of the sun, as my treatment has made me more susceptible to burning with my loss of white blood cells.

So on Memorial Day as I contemplated all of these factors and realized I have another month of this to go through and even at that point, the “solution” to my symptoms is to have a life-changing procedure that I don’t want but which I have resigned myself to deal with as the only option I have to continue on with my life with any normalcy at all. Yes, I understand that the greater good of having the tumor removed and (hopefully) getting all of the cancer out of me is something to look forward to. I don’t mean to diminish that fact at all. No one will be happier than me when I ultimately hear the words “You are now cancer-free” from a doctor. But on Monday my mind was more on the symptoms I must daily deal with and I honestly began to wonder how much longer I could take this. The moment overcame me but Cyndy was there to provide some comfort. What I would do without her through all of this I don’t even want to imagine.

Cyndy suggested that I take an Imodium tablet to see if that would reduce my bathroom visits and ultimately diminish some of my “pain in the butt.” I did begin taking some at that point and I must admit that for a time after taking each pill, the trips are cut down and the constancy of the pain has been reduced. Thank you, Cyndy!

Cyndy's mother had a point the other day that I would like to ask a doctor about. For the past week or so, all of my bathroom visits have resulted in blood in the bowl, in varying amounts. Could this regular loss of blood (small each time perhaps, but they do build up) be causing me to be somewhat anemic, and that has a lot to do with my easy exhaustion? I don't know, but it's a question worth pursuing.

As a young adult, I remember hearing things like “Don’t just exist in your life; live your life.” or something to that effect. I’ve tried to do that in my own way, though I still wish I’d done more things than I’ve actually done. But for right now, my goal is just to exist and make it through until the surgery. I’m really not too good for much now anyway so I’m hoping that within a reasonable period after my surgery and recovery, I can return to as much “normal” activities as possible. But until then, I’m just hoping to make it through today until tomorrow and then hope the same thing for tomorrow. Actually I have tried to do some baking with Kailey and Tatum (my two granddaughters who are living with us, for those who might now know. Grandson Gavin is a little young for that right now) and if I feel up to it (which I admittedly often don’t), I try to play card games with them, which I know they love. But that’s about the extent of my “living” at this point. I still go to work, of course, and people's concern for me there lifts my spirits a bit. I continue on with the realization that soon this will be all over. I am feeling a little better emotionally than over the weekend so I am thankful for that. I do sincerely appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers that I know I have received so far. And I’ll need more in the future so please DON’T STOP!