8771 Hours Ago

Depending on your age,when asked where you were when certain memorable events occurred, you might recall:
the bombing of Pearl Harbor (Dec 7, 1941)
the assassination of President Kennedy (Nov 22, 1963)
the first man to walk on the moon (Neil Armstrong on July 20. 1969)
1980 Olympic Hockey Team's Gold Medal (Winter Olympics 1980)
9 - 11 (2001)

Or, on a personal note, what about:
your first kiss
your wedding day
the birth of your first child

One event that has now been added to my "personal memories" will be what happened that morning 365 days ago today. That was the day that found me waiting for Chuck to return from his colonoscopy. As they were wheeling him back into the room, the first words out of his mouth were, " I have cancer." My first instinct was that he was kidding. But having known Chuck for about 38 years, I knew he would never kid about such a thing! Just a few minutes later, the doctor came in to meet with us and removed all doubt. Yes indeed, he had rectal cancer.

I had made a vow to myself, very early on, that Chuck would never see me as anything other than upbeat and positive and strong. After the one and only breakdown that I had in front of him (when we told our daughter of the test results) and I cried, he never once saw me in tears. I am not saying that I did not indulge in crying because I did. LOTS of times....late at night into my pillow, in the shower, on my way to work, or on my home from work. I just didn't share THOSE times with him. The tears were never about how much of a problem the cancer was causing ME or how it might change our lives, but more how the process of getting rid of it was effecting Chuck. It was very difficult for me to watch him endure all of the various side effects (and there were lots of them) and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to help him. For once, this was not some small scratch on the knee that I could kiss and make it better. And, it wasn't about me. It was about Chuck. He was the only one that could go through the physical pain. He was the one that had to beat the cancer. But I was scared for him, for us. When we thought he was having a heart attack and later found out that it wasn't his heart at all but his body's way of dealing with the poison that was helping him to get well. To go through radiation and chemo was bad enough but to add a heart issue to the mix? Or, seeing him kneeling at the foot of the bed, with his head in his hands, unable to move because his chest pains were so intense that he didn't want to move a muscle. There were no words that I could say to him. I DIDN'T know what he was going through. I COULDN'T make it better. And all of those trite sayings were meaningless words that I couldn't utter.

But these are all memories now, becoming more distant as each day goes into another week which passes into another month. And, as the saying goes, will fade over time. We might recall them but we will not recall their intensity. They were all a means to an end. Freedom from cancer; our ultimate goal and the light at the end of our 2009 tunnel. THAT is what we will remember.

In thinking about what I wanted to say on this anniversary date, lots of thoughts went through my mind. What can I say about what this year has taught me that would/could be important to those reading this blog? How did I change because of this event in our lives? I am going to "mutter" as a very wonderful and dear Facebook friend, Nick, use to say about my random chat thoughts. (These are not in any special order of importance....just my "mutterings".)

I do not want to take for granted my time here on earth. It can so easily be taken from me when I least expect it. Not that I wanted to live it frivolously before the cancer, but I do want to live with more purpose and direction and meaning. I want to be there to help when other people who may need a shoulder or a laugh or a cuddle or just a friendly ear. I want to pass along the help that was given to me, to us, during our darkest hours.

I want to let those people who are important in my life, both family and friends (old and new), know that I love them; that I value their love, their friendship and their support. I do not want to miss an opportunity to let them know that they enrich my life just by being a part of it - every day. And, more importantly, I could not have been able to be strong for Chuck without their strength, their shoulders, their chats, or their caring when I needed it most. THANK YOU for sharing yourself with me and helping me to become a better person!

That God will not give you more than you can bear. You might think that you have reached the maximum amount that you can take but some how, you take it for just one more minute, one more time, one more week, or one more cycle. You were able to go that "one more" step because you were able to either dig deeper into yourself or someone was there offering you a hand through the quagmire. Either way, you got to the other side!

I also learned what an amazing man I married! When you have been married as long as we have, you often get in a comfortable rut. You start to take little things for granted. I try to not do that anymore. Life has shown me that it is fragile, with absolutely NO garauntees. It can be good one day and the next you can hear words that are life changing. But because we were in this battle together, as a team, it brought us closer. WE were fighting a common enemy, even if it was the royal WE. I won't say that we didn't have doubts or discussions or even ultimatums during the course of the past year. But, through it all, Chuck stayed strong and positive and NOT ONCE did I ever hear him say "why me" or see him act the "poor me". He did what needed to be done. He went were he was told to go. He faced the demons that needed to be faced. He looked cancer in the eye and said that it was not going to beat him, and it didn't.

So, in tribute to a blog entry from the early days......

ALL HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO!!!

I LOVE YOU

Would you like another glass of lemonade, dear?